Junior year has hit me surprisingly hard. I only have less than half of my time in university as an undergraduate. My advisors are no longer telling me, “Don’t worry, you still have plenty of time.” upon hearing that I still have no idea what my career goals are. I only have a limited number of classes left to take. I can no longer just pick up any minor without having to stay an extra semester. While I spent much of sophomore year complaining about how I’m so done with school and I can’t possibly deal with more school after my Bachelor’s Degree, I’m realizing that all this will come to pass way too fast. I think I will continue to long for college life after it’s all over.
So why is being a junior so different from being a sophomore? I’ve spent the past two years of my life making deliberate choices to carefully build up a community that I love and treasure. That has been achieved, so now what? The realization that I have to leave very soon (yes, I only have 17 months left in school as an undergraduate. 17 months is really short) has brought me to a stop. What? This is it? No, this can’t be it. All too soon, everything will go and change and I’m sitting here wondering the same painful question I wondered 2 years ago right before leaving for KLIA – how on earth am I supposed to do this?
I know it seems like the beginning of junior year seems like a time too soon to be considering these questions. And yeah, yeah there’s always grad school. Yet dread has been pricking me all over. It’s coming. It’s going to happen. Everyone will go their own paths. You will have to search again. NO NO NO, I WANT TO BE HERE FOREVER. I wonder if I’m simply overdramatizing my emotions, but the very thought of being apart from the community that I’m so wonderfully immersed in now breaks my heart. And yes, if I’ve done it before, why can’t I do it again? Yet my heart is stubborn.
Right now I’m searching for ways of how to deal with it when it does happen. Please, dear Lord.